November 3, 1995
Wolf Brand Chili
P.O. Box 802521
Callas, TX 78380
Dear Mr. Wolf:
I have enjoyed eating your chili for years. I love the fact that after I eat it, it comes out my ass looking exactly the same way it did when it went into my mouth. That is very special to me.
However, I came to a unsettling discovery. I wasn’t paying enough attention to what I was doing when I was about to feed my dog a can of Alpo. While in this groggy state, I poured the dog food into a bowl and stuck it in the micowave. After I heated up the Alpo, I grabbed a spoon and was about to go to town, eating it myself when I came out of my “zone” and remembered that it was dog food!
The bad part is, the Alpo smelled exactly like the Wolf Brand Chili, and I believe it to be the smell that first made me heat it up and almost eat it.
At first, I was just going to go on and dismiss this whole thing as just another one of those silly mindless things people do. But then I began to wonder. And then I thought I should conduct an experiment.
I happened to have a can of Wolf Brand Chili (no beans) in my cabinet, so I opened it up and heated it, just like I did with the Alpo. I then set the two bowls side by side and discovered that there is no difference in the two products, by taste or smell. Yes, I thought I should taste the Alpo just to make sure.
Let me first say that, hey, I don’t care. I’ll still eat the shit, I like it. But I have got to warn you, when word gets out that Alpo and Wolf Brand Chili are one in the same, there are going to be some pretty pissed off people out there. You may get sued!
Anyway, I just thought I should let you know that I figured it out. I hope everything goes well, your little secret is safe with me, and I’ll just keep buying the Alpo because it’s cheaper.
Wolf Response Wolf Brand Chili’s Response:
November 20, 1995
Dear Mr. Cuda:
We are sorry to learn of your experience with our Wolf Chili Brand.
We try to exercise every care in the production and packaging of our products to bring you the highest quality available in processed foods. Your letting us know about this helps us continue to make improvements.
Thank you for informing us about this situation. Please use the enclosed toward your next purchase.
P.S. We do not package any dog food.