U.S. Dept. of Homeland Security

September 7, 2005

U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Washington D.C. 20528

Subject: The Lurking Dilemma in New Orleans

To Whom It May Concern,

As I attentively watch the news on the situation in New Orleans, I am becoming more and more alarmed that the biggest problem the American people will face as a result of this disaster has not been addressed.

As you are well aware, there are countless bodies scattered throughout the streets and within the floodwaters in New Orleans. These include both the recently departed as well as corpses exhumed by the immense force of Hurricane Katrina. As if this were not enough of a problem, I believe the government and the media have failed to realize the fact New Orleans has been inundated already for many years, not with water, but with voodoo. Voodoo: the very sorcery responsible for reanimating the dead. To put it in perspective for you, this magic which turns the lifeless into horrifying brain-craving zombies has inadvertently blended within the remaining floodwaters that now consume New Orleans, and will, in turn, cause the deceased to become animated. If not dealt with properly, this could likely lead to a lethal undead menace of unfathomable proportions.

Once animated, zombies seek to feed on the flesh of the living, though they ultimately desire to consume human brains. After the fiends attack by biting and gnawing on the living, not only do the victims die, they in turn become the living dead themselves. Therefore, it is not difficult to understand how this process could create quite a vicious cycle. If this sequence is allowed to ensue without using aggressive and immediate action to curb it, the horde will quickly multiply and we will watch in horror as the dead mobilize in droves across the land. This means that you must address the issue early on while it is simply a minor nuisance, though it must be done with haste – or else the entire country will likely be destroyed by a plague of the undead. The best way to do this is to shoot the dead (both the animated and the motionless) in the head with a high caliber firearm utilizing hollow point bullets. This will ensure that what is left of their lifeless brain (which is the vehicle for the magic) is flushed from their skulls, which will render the threat of them becoming reanimated through voodooism obsolete.

Throughout history, the U.S. Government has denied that voodoo induced necromancy could result in any sort of major crisis as described above. While the argument against such a threat may have been somewhat valid in the past, it was never taken into account that a catastrophic event would spread the power of voodoo over a great mass of the dead. In other words, no one could possibly foresee that Hurricane Katrina would unleash the power of voodoo, thus waking a vast multitude of the dead. However, this is the reality which we face today, and it must be dealt with swiftly.

I would like to be assured that something will be done about this situation before it becomes insurmountable. If you need further information on this pending crisis, or if you simply need to recruit my services in the fight against the zombie uprising, feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

BarryACudaSignature


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