Glass O’ Pee

Written December 2000

(I still haven’t decided who I’m sending this letter to…)

Dear Manager:

I have pondered whether or not to write you today, but I felt at last, I must. Let me first say that I feel mostly responsible for the events that took place in this letter, but more importantly, I feel that it may be your responsibility to train your employees on this matter so that anything like this may be avoided in the future. That’s why I decided to write you.

In addition, I don’t want to tell you the exact time or day that this took place. I will say that this happened between Friday and Sunday this past weekend. Furthermore, I will not describe the employee that this happened to. If you address this issue to all of your employees, the individual will know who he/she is, and they can choose to tell or not tell at their digression.

I also want to add that I was drunk. Sometimes when I get drunk, I play mean practical jokes on people. I apologize for that, for this time, one of your employees was the blunt of the joke. I never knew it would go as far as it did.

I had been drinking with some friends in your establishment. After drinking for a couple of hours, I had to excuse myself to the restroom. I took my nearly empty beer glass with me. As I stood at the urinal about to relieve myself, a sense of silliness came over me and I began to urinate in the glass, filling it up. I finished up and walked back to the bar area; the full glass of urine in my hand.

I began telling my friends what I had done, then one of them asked what I was going to do with the “glass o’ pee”. I hadn’t thought that far ahead, but I can only blame the beer devil for putting the next idea in my head. I walked up to the bar with the glass and called over one of your bartenders. I told him that my beer was warm and asked for a replacement. He retrieved my beer and handed it to me, with the “glass o’ pee” sitting on the bar in front of us both.

What he did next action nearly made me faint. He stuck his fingers into the “glass o’ pee” and, I kid you not, remarked that it was “piss warm”.

His next action horrified me. He asked me what kind of beer it was, and I replied. With a puzzled look on his face, he then picked up the glass and took a sip.

I thought right then and there that I was a dead man, but he only remarked that not only was it warm, but that it was also flat.

As I said earlier, I thought long and hard if I should make you aware of this. I finally came to the conclusion that I should say something so that this won’t happen to you guys again. My only request is that you make your employees aware that they should not eat or drink anything given to them from a customer, and that you write me back to ensure me that this matter has been addressed with your employees. My peace of mind depends on it. It’s not so much that I mind them drinking urine, but I never saw that bartender wash his hand after dipping his fingers into it, and I hate to think that he handled food after that.

Sincerely,

BarryACudaSignature


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