April 26th, 2007
PO Box 6276
Dover, DE 19905-6276
Dear Gevalia Coffee People,
Please don’t send me any more of your coffee. I’m writing you today to inform you that your coffee has turned my son into a monster. Before your offer, no member of the Cuda family drank coffee. In fact, none of us can recall ever drinking a single cup of coffee before your coffee and coffee maker arrived. Our lives have been a wreck ever since.
My son, Jeremy, grew accustomed to drinking four or five cups of your Gevalia coffee with his breakfast every morning before school. Since drinking your coffee, Ms. Williams, his kindergarten teacher, has called my wife and I in for a teacher-parent conference multiple times concerning Jeremy’s behavior. Ms. Williams claimed that Jeremy has been literally climbing the walls, running in circles, jumping on tables, and acting like a complete “spazz”. She claimed this generally happens once he arrives every morning to class and he doesn’t slow down until well after lunch. The boy Ms. Williams described was more like the Incredible Hulk as opposed to the sweet and gentle son we know he is, so we took her claims with a grain of salt. Afterall, we weren’t seeing this type of behavior from Jeremy at home in the evenings.
Then two days ago, we were called up to the school because Jeremy had sent a child to the hospital. As it was described by Ms. Williams, directly after his mother had dropped Jeremy off at school, he bolted into the classroom, leaped high into the air, landed on top of a female classmate, and began wailing on the girl while laughing and screaming uncontrollably. It took Ms. Williams and three other kindergarten teachers to pull our son off the child.
After spending the rest of the morning in the school principal’s office trying in vain to convince the faculty not to expel our son, and then most of the afternoon at the sheriff’s department to try to keep him from being incarcerated, we learned that Jeremy was likely acting out this way as a result of drinking your coffee. Apparently, coffee contains quite a bit of the drug caffeine, which in turn can have quite an adverse affect on five-year-old boys when they drink a lot of it. We were not aware of this.
When we returned home late that afternoon, a damned box of Gevalia coffee had been delivered, left on our front porch. I must say I sort of snapped. I began yelling like a lunatic while kicking the box all over the yard.
In conclusion, I hope you understand that we will not be paying for any of the coffee you have sent us so far. We’re going to need all of the extra money we can get in order to pay for the little girl’s emergency room bill, tuition to a private school (now that he’s been expelled), and the attorney fees required to attempt to get the assault charges dropped.