Frito Lay

1994

Frito Lay
Dallas, TX

What started out as an ordinary day ended up as the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. It all started out when I was grocery shopping.

The R.C. Cola seemed normal, and the steaks looked all right. The apples that I bought didn’t seem to have so much as a worm in them. The Miller Lite looked as it always did. Every thing from the Budget Gourmet Television dinners to the Planter’s peanuts seemed to be perfectly ordinary to me. But I found the two bags of Ruffles I purchased uncommonly heavy. I just assumed that the bags contained extra chips and that I was getting away with a bargain. I was getting no bargain.

I paid for the groceries and went home. Up to this point, everything seemed to be normal. I noticed nothing as my food rode in paper bags in the bed of my truck on the way home from Kroger’s. I carried the groceries into the kitchen when I reached the house. I then opened one of the Miller’s and sat down in the Lazy Boy for an afternoon of college football.

After a while, I was feeling a bit emaciated, so I walked into the kitchen and proceeded to open one of the bags of Ruffles. As I started to tear open the bag, something within began to tremble and shake ferociously.

It was then that I knew that something was wrong. It was then that I knew that there was more in the bag than just potato chips. At first I was very stunned. What could be inside the bag of chips? Then a furry claw shot out of the end of the bag and scratched my arm. I was shocked! I then heard a screeching sound come from inside the bag of Ruffles. Something in there was alive!

At that point my cat, Dinky, walked into the kitchen to find out what all the commotion was about. I was grasping my arm because it was bleeding, but I was still staring at the bag of what was supposed to be chips. I saw a bristly, pointy nose stick out of the bag. Then, all of a sudden, “Shooom!!” The thing inside the potato chip bag shot out at blinding speed and went strait for my cat. It was then that I could make out exactly what this creature was. It was a full grown raccoon! I could not believe my eyes! A huge raccoon had just leaped out of my bag of potato chips and was going after Dinky. Of course, Dinky turned the other way and high-tailed it for my bedroom (where he sleeps under my bed) but the raccoon was close behind, determined to rip my cat’s guts apart.

At that moment, I noticed the other bag of chips began to crackle and shake, and I knew then that the other bag did not contain chips, either. My belief was confirmed that the bag did not consist of chips when another full sized raccoon burst through the bag like a mighty firework explosion! I was appalled. How could it be that there were raccoons in my Ruffles?! Never before had I found such creatures in any food, but discovering two raccoons in two different bags of potato chips is just totally unheard of. I was one flabbergasted man! I wanted to know what in Hell was going on down there in the Frito Lay factory? Why are there overgrown rats in my chips?

The story doesn’t end here.

As the second raccoon tore out of the bag, it hissed at me before it ran into the bedroom where the first raccoon was busy tearing the crap out of my cat.

I had to think quick. These vile creatures would end up killing my cat and turning the house into chaos if I didn’t act rapidly. I opened the broom closet, hoping to find a weapon to rid my house of raccoons. There was the fly swatter, the bug spray, the mop, and the dust pan. The mop was the best thing I see to seize at that moment to shoo away the raccoons.

I could hear a lot of commotion going on in the bedroom, and I assumed that the raccoons where fighting with my declawed, defenseless, silly little kitty. I then ran into the bedroom, where I saw the most dreadful thing that I had ever laid my eyes upon. There in the middle of the bedroom floor was my precious Dinky, and he was ripped up head to tail. He turned his head just enough and let out what was something between a moan and a meow. I also noticed that two of his legs had been ripped off his body, one front leg and one back leg. I was about to break down and cry right there when all of a sudden, something hit me in the head from behind and knocked me to the ground. I could not quite tell at first what was happening because the blow to the back of my head stunned me for a few seconds, but I soon came to realize that one of the raccoons had jumped me from behind and was in the process of clawing the back of my head and neck. I was being attacked in my own home by a couple of savage mammals! I was screaming for my life! Why must I be subjected to this turmoil?! Why couldn’t I just die in a nice, tranquil place and then have my loved ones bury me? This was no way to die. I couldn’t be killed by a couple of deviant raccoons that had stowed away in bags of Ruffles.

It was thoughts such as these that gave me the strength to finally get up and fight back. I was not going to be a victim, not in my own home. I mustered up enough strength to get off of the ground, and even though there was a large raccoon clinging to my back scratching and biting me boundlessly, I knew I had to fight. I had to fight for what they had done to Dinky!

Just then, the other raccoon scurried out from under the bed, with one of Dinky’s legs in his mouth. The raccoon stared at me, then dropped the leg from his mouth and let out an evil hiss. The anger welled up inside of me, my adrenalin was suddenly boiling. With one raccoon already attacking me from behind, the last thing I needed was another attacking me from the front, so the first move would be mine. With all of my strength and power, I took the mop, stepped back a few feet, took a running start and belted the nasty fiend with a strike that resembled something one would only see from a pro golfer. The raccoon flew swiftly through the air and hit the bedroom wall with great force. Even though this move bewildered the raccoon for a few seconds, it did not put him out of commission and seemed to make the raccoon even that more furious. The raccoon regained his composure and headed back for me to attack, but this time I was ready. He ran full speed toward me as I did the same toward him, only I was cocked and ready for the second stroke of the mop handle. This time I knocked him with all of my might, all of my capacity, with every thing I had left in my body. This raccoon had to die. This time as the raccoon flew through the air in a blur, faster than I could ever conceive. At this flashing speed, the raccoon hit and went out my bedroom window, causing a tremendous crash. Glass was flying everywhere. With only one raccoon down, I still had the second problem with the other raccoon, which was still on the back of my head and neck scratching and biting me. I could tell I was losing a lot of blood because I was becoming very dizzy and I could feel the blood flow down my back. There was also a lot of my own blood on the floor of my bedroom. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get the raccoon off the back of my neck. At first I tried to grab it, but every time I would stick my hands close to the creature, my hands would get bit. This was truly a dilemma, for I could think of no way to get the thing off, and this miscreant was determined to kill me. I started to spin around in circles, hoping the manifestation would fly off the back of my neck, but this move only made me dizzier. I was fighting a losing battle, and the room began to get very hazy and everything began to seem very blurry. I was about to fall to the ground, and just before I fell I heard a loud booming sound, and that’s the last thing I remembered.

I woke up in the hospital. I was in a bed and standing over me was a doctor and my neighbor, Elmer McFarland. They told me that I would be just fine, but I had lost a lot of blood. Elmer had been smoking his pipe outside of his house when he heard all of the commotion and then the next thing he saw was a raccoon come blasting through my window. He smelled trouble, so he got his shotgun and ran right over. He reached my bedroom just as I was beginning to pass out and he shot the raccoon off of me just before I fell. He saved my life, and I will be forever indebted to him for it. As for my cat, Dinky, well, he is still alive, but he has a hard time getting around because he now only has two legs. It’s a crying shame because all of this mess was unnecessary and need not have happened. Oh, my poor precious Dinky.

I want to know why, WHY!? Why did you put such evil creatures in my Ruffles, you bastards! I want answers, and I want them now!

Sincerely,

BarryACudaSignature


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