January 31, 1995
National Sea Products Inc.
Portsmouth, NH 03802
Dear Fish Stick People:
I have been eating your Fisher Boy Fish Sticks since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Now that I am a grown man, it only seems like I enjoy eating Fisher Boy Fish Sticks more and more each day.
I have a couple of wonderful inventions, and it would tickle my fancy if I could share them with you. You see, I have been experimenting with some “stick” products of my own. These concoctions I have invented are excitingly delicious!
I would first like to tell you about my “Stick Stick”. It’s a delectable edible stick. What I do is I go out and pick up fallen tree sticks. I then add some special spices to them, and place them on the top rack in the oven. I then place an old tire and some newspapers in the bottom of the oven and I pour kerosene over it all. I throw in the match and quickly close the door. This method gives the Stick Sticks a smoky sort of flavor that just melts in your mouth! I sell the Stick Sticks at work, and I can’t keep up for the demand for more.
The second item I came up with is the everlastingly gratifying “Dookie Stick”. I have made use of the dog poop laying in the yards around my neighborhood. The residents don’t seem to mind me gathering their canine turds at all, if fact, they seem to encourage it. They might change their tune if they find out what a scrumptious treat these little poos can make! I place the poop in a bag of my very own frying batter, made with my secret blend of herbs and spices. Then I fry the little doo-doos. You wouldn’t believe what a remarkable taste that these little gems bring to the palate! I have also sold a number of my Dookie Sticks at work, and let me tell you, I simply can’t keep up with the orders for more! I now have to go to kennels and dog pounds just to get more turd supply!
Many of my co-workers have begged me for the recipes of these two products, but I would dare not tell them the ingredients!
Now I was wondering; would it be possible to sell my recipes to your company? I have no time for the manufacturing, production, and marketing that these products so richly deserve, and it’s evident that these stick products need to be sold in mass nation wide. I will never be able to meet the demand on such a large scale, but it shouldn’t be a problem for a corporation such as yours.
I thank you for you time and look forward to your response.
Captain of the S.S. Shitboat
Fisher Boy’s Response:
February 3, 1995
Dear Mr. Cuda:
Thank you for your letter expressing your satisfaction with our Fisher Boy fish sticks. It is always a pleasure to hear from satisfied customers.
We have a product development team that is constantly looking for new ideas. We will certainly add yours to the list. If we ever market them, you will be paid all the royalties that you deserve.
We appreciate your past business and hope it will continue in the future.
Thanks again and keep creating.
Carol E. Plumb