Doritos

November 3, 2005

Frito-Lay
P.O. Box 660634
Dallas, TX 75266-0634.

In regards to: Doritos

Dear Frito Lay

I’ve been eating Doritos as long as I can remember. That’s basically all of my life, and I’m 34 years old as I’m writing this. In all of the years that Nacho Cheese Doritos have been available to the masses, I dare say that the tortilla chips taste exactly the same today as they always have. However, the bags of Nacho “Cheesier” Doritos that are available for purchase currently boast that they are “Now Better Tasting”. Here’s a picture of a bag of these “Now Better Tasting” Doritos that I just recently purchased:

doritos

Again, let me make sure that I have conveyed a point here: the Nacho Cheesier Doritos in the bags that claim “Now Better Tasting” taste exactly the same as they did 30 years ago. So this all leads me to ask a question; better tasting than what? Of course, there’s no answer to this conundrum anywhere on the bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos, and since I hate to be a man void of an answer, I’m impelled to write you today in order to seek such.

I’d agree that Nacho Cheesier Doritos are now better tasting than a bag of dead gerbils. However, most people probably already know this, so it wouldn’t be necessary to say “Now Better Tasting Than a Bag of Dead Gerbils” on every bag of Nacho Cheesier Doritos. And for the love of God, who’s sitting around eating a bag of dead gerbils, anyway. Certainly not me! Maybe a monster living in a dark cave who has nothing else to eat, but I doubt any sane human is consuming dead gerbils. That’s just gross.

I’d also say that Nacho Cheesier Doritos are now better tasting than some stray Dorito which had fallen behind a refrigerator 20 years ago. Such a Dorito would be extremely stale and most likely covered with dust, grime, and filth. I’d put odds on it not tasting as good as a fresh Dorito right out of a bag purchased recently at a supermarket. Then again, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never eaten a Dorito that had fallen behind a kitchen appliance 20 years ago. For all I know, such a Dorito could be delicious, perhaps like a fine aged wine or cheese.

I’d also guess that Nacho Cheesier Doritos may now be better tasting than rat poison. Like dead gerbils or a 20 year-old Dorito, I’ve never eaten rat poison. However, I had a dog that once ate a bag of rat poison. I had to make that dog drink hydrogen peroxide in order to induce him to vomit out the stuff so he wouldn’t die. Maybe rat poison is tasty; why else would my dog eat it? I was tempted to eat some rat poison to see how it tasted, but then I remembered that I tried drinking hydrogen peroxide when I was a kid and it tasted like, well, I don’t know what, but it was atrocious! Just like my dog, I puked after drinking it. That’s how I knew to make the dog drink it after he ate the rat poison in the first place. Anyway, I will probably never know if Nacho Cheesier Doritos tastes better than rat poison unless you’ve done some taste-test comparison research between Doritos and rat poison in your studies. Please let me know if you have.

As you can clearly see, I have no idea what these current Nacho Cheesier Doritos are now better tasting than. I would guess Nacho Cheesier Doritos are now better tasting than a lot of things, although I suspect that when you came up with this slogan in your little advertising meetings after spending countless hours conducting market research, you found out that these chips were now better tasting than something in particular. I would like to know what that something is. I’ve got to know. I can’t sleep right at night because I’m constantly trying to figure it out. So you must tell me.

While you’re at it writing me back, could you throw a bunch of coupons in the envelope that I can use when buying more of those “Now Better Tasting” Nacho Cheesier Doritos? I sure would appreciate it.

Sincerely,

BarryACudaSignature


The Frito-Lay Response:
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