October 21, 1995
P.O. Box 193575
San Francisco, CA 94119
Dear Green Bean Makers:
I recently became involved in the Fireworks For Retards Foundation, which raises money to buy fireworks for poor or deprived retarded children for New Years and the 4th of July. You probably are already very familiar with this organization. Last week, they held their annual charity auction, in which a can of you Del Monte Cut Green Beans was on the block for bidding. Well, I happened to be sitting in the audience as the green beans were up for bidding, with the opening bid at only a quarter.
This is when the trouble started. I raised the bid to fifty cents, and someone behind me raised it to a dollar. The problem was, the person behind me was none other than my arch enemy, that bitch, Mary Jo Frickerass. She was outbidding me just in spite! I wouldn’t let her get away with it, and soon commenced a bidding war. I raised her to two dollars, she raised me ten, I raised it to $50.00, she countered with a $100.00 bid. Back and forth it went, until the final bid. My bid for $12,001.
Now, Mary Jo had the bid for $12,000, and it was that point that I had thought it was getting a little out of hand, but I still couldn’t let her win. The previous bids had been in increments of the hundreds and the thousands, so I thought I should slow it down by raising it with only a dollar. I looked back at her after I put in that final bid, and do you know what she did? She stood up, turned around, and walked out the back door! Then I heard the fateful “going once, going twice, SOLD to Barry Cuda for $12,001!”.
What had I done? I had just purchased the most expensive can of green beans, EVER! What was I thinking?!
I was able to sell my stamp, coin, and baseball card collection, plus all of my Star Wars action figures. All of that combined brought me a little over $400.00. So I ended up selling my truck and getting a second mortgage on my house to pay the foundation their $12,001.
It says on the can that the green beans come with a 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed, and I’m assuming that’s a money back guarantee. Thank goodness I was able to get a receipt for this! So enclosed with this letter is the green beans receipt for $12,001. I ate the green beans and I didn’t like them, so I would like my money back now.
Del Monte’s Response:
October 30, 1995
Thank you for contacting us recently regarding DEL MONTE Cut Green Beans. Your comments are certainly appreciated, and your concerns are very important to us.
Del Monte had a long history of providing high quality products. We work hard to maintain a quality reputation, and know it is built on consumer satisfaction. Thus, I am concerned about your report. You may be sure that I will report this incident to the plant which packed the Cut Green Beans, and any necessary corrective steps will be taken.
The amount of reimbursement you reported is quite substantial. Our policy allows us to reimburse consumers for everyday, routine types of purchases. If the amount is greater than this, verification of the problem reported, in addition to purchase verification, is required. This verification should include at least one unopened sample, as well as a detailed cash register receipt and/or the packages or can lid from the defective product bearing the code mark.
I regret that I can only reimburse you a maximum of $5.00 without the required verification. If you do have the required verification as mentioned above, please forward them to my attention using the enclosed postpaid label, and I will gladly consider additional remuneration.
Again, thank you for contacting us and bringing this to our attention. I do share your concern regarding this matter. Please accept the enclosed coupon(s) and our sincere apology for your experience.
November 4, 1995
Attention: Chris Meyers
P.O. Box 193575
San Francisco, CA 94119
Please find the enclosed trash that I’m mailing you. The weight of it should be around 100 pounds or so, for it’s been awhile since I last took out my garbage. And I thank you for that postpaid label you sent me, for I would have never been able to afford the massive amount of postage that this package required if I had to pay for it myself. I’m just glad that I found a box big enough to put all of this shit in. I just laughed when the postmaster asked me if I wanted to insure it.
Since I threw away that empty green bean can about a month ago, its probably toward the bottom of one of those stinky trash bags. I thought that since you “shared my concern” that you wouldn’t have a problem weeding through this filth to find that can yourself. I’m sure it’s in there somewhere.
I wish you the best of luck on your search, and I’ll be waiting to hear how it went.